Two men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.

Ace says to Mahlala, “Dat is dem.” The clerk comes over and asks if he can

help them. “Yebo, we take four of dose beds in dat cage lapa side,” says

Ace. “Put beds in a pepper beg pleez!!”

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Ace’s van and drive until they are high up on a hill and stop

at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. “Diseez a good place, neh?”

says Ace. He then takes the birds out of the paper bag, places 2 on each of

his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Mahlala watches as his comrade drops off the edge and goes straight down

for a few seconds followed by a ‘SPLAT’.

As Mahlala looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head And says,

“Haibo, dis budgie jumpin’, she is too denjerus to me.”

A minute later, Philemon arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he

walks up carrying the familiar paper bag. He pulls a parrot out of the bag,

and then Mahlala notices that, in his other hand,Philemon is carrying a gun.

“Heita, meh brah Mahlala. Check dis!,” Philemon says and launches himself

over the edge of the cliff. Mahlala watches as half way down, Philemon

takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off.

Philemon continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Ace’s

remains at the bottom.

Mahlala shakes his head and says, “Eish baba, me she is never tryin’ dat

parrotshootin’ nider.”

A few minutes after Philemon splats himself Shakes strolls up.

He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the usual pepper

beg’. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches

himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Mahlala shakes his head -

“Hauw!!, Shakes, fest der was Ace wit his budgie-jumping, den

Philemon parrotshooting and now you hen-gliding!”

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Balls to the wall - push to the limit, go all out, full speed

This is not a reference to the male anatomy, as some would believe, but an expression from the world of aviation. On an aeroplane, the handles controlling the throttle and fuel mixture are often topped with ball-shaped grips, referred to by pilots as (naturally) balls. Pushing the balls forward, towards the wall of the cockpit, is to apply full throttle and the highest possible speed.

Hanged, drawn and quartered

People sentenced to be executed used to be drawn to the site behind a horse or cart. At first, they were dragged along the ground, but so many failed to survive that the custom grew up of drawing them on a hurdle or hide or in a cart. After being hanged, but while still alive, they were lowered to the ground and castrated; disembowelment and the burning of viscera were performed before their eyes. They were then decapitated and quartered, the resultant pieces being preserved for exhibition by being boiled and perhaps coated in pitch.Hanged, drawn and quartered was not a legal formula but a common expression summarising a much longer and more detailed sentence delivered by a judge.

It is not clear whether drawn refers to the conveyance to execution or to the removal of viscera (’draw’ is an old word for disembowel) - probably the latter, judging from its position in the expression.

Bob’s your uncle - everything is perfect

Commonly thought to have originated as a catchphrase after A. J. Balfour was promoted, not for the first time, by his uncle Robert (the Prime Minister, Lord Salisbury) to be Chief Secretary for Ireland in 1887. This move was widely interpreted as being the result of nepotism. The expression was initially an ironic or bitter comment, to the effect that everything will be all right for you if Bob is your uncle, though it has now lost this shade of meaning. Sometimes it means no more than ‘that’s that’.

Foot the bill - pay the bill

Footing was the act of adding up figures in a list and placing a total at the foot of the column. It was polite to ask a customer to foot the bill (check the arithmetic) as a euphemism for ‘pay the bill’. In time, the euphemistic sense dropped away.

Gravy train - any easy and lucrative way means of obtaining money

By the beginning of the 20th century gravy was being used to mean money that had been easily acquired, or that was extra in some way, such as a bonus or tip, in the same way that gravy is an extra on top of the basics of a meal. It could also be used for money obtained through extortion or other illicit means. A gravy train was US railroad slang for an easy run where the pay was good. This was adopted into general speech in the 1920s.

By hook or by crook - by any means possible; by fair means or foul

The modern meaning is different from the original one, which was that only two means were allowed - the hook or billhook, a chopper with a hooked end, used for pruning, and the shepherd’s crook, a long staff with a bigger hook at the end for catching the back leg of a sheep. The reference is to medieval laws or rights that restricted the gathering of firewood to prevent depredations: one was allowed to cut off, with the hook, only those branches that could be pulled down with the crook.

Gone for a Burton - ruined, destroyed

Generally agreed to have been RAF slang for ‘dead’ or ‘missing’, originating in World War II, and referring to Burton’s beer. The simplest explanation is that to go for a Burton was, first of all, no more than to go for a drink, and that it was later used as an understatement when someone was killed or failed to return from a flying mission. The fact that many airmen crashed in the sea, known as ‘the drink’, may give this explanation added point.

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An English history lesson Part 9

Above board

Something that is above board is done honestly, without concealment. ‘Board’ here is the old word for ‘table’, as in ’sideboard’. The whole expression was originally a gambling term: when playing, one was expected to keep one’s hands ‘above the board’ to avoid suspicions of cheating.

To sweep the board (win comprehensively) was to clear the table by taking all the tricks and winning all the stake-money.

Cack-handed - clumsy, inept; left-handed

The word cack is an Old English word for excrement or dung. Cachus was Old English for a privy, and both words come from the Latin cacare, to defecate. The expression cack-handed almost certainly comes from the ancient tradition, which developed among peoples who were mainly right-handed, that one reserved the left hand for cleaning oneself after defecating and used the right hand for eating. At various times this has been known in most cultures. So, to be left-handed was to use the cack hand or be cack-handed.

Acid test - crucial test that determines worth, truth, reliability, etc.

In former days aquafortis, or nitric acid was used to test the genuineness of gold, which remains unaffected by the action of other acids, to assist in making valuations when buying or selling. The acid test - the name goes back to the Middle Ages - was accepted as definitive and, in its more general modern sense, still is.

Fly off the handle - lose one’s temper

Either from the loss of control, and possible danger, when the head of an axe works loose and flies off the handle as the axe is swung, or from the user’s exasperation when this happens - as was likely when axe-handles were home-made in American pioneering days. It is one of several expressions reflecting that country’s comparatively recent history of forest clearance as a prerequisite of settlement and farming.

Alive and kicking - very active, lively

This is one of many expressions that lend themselves to imaginative interpretation. One authority maintains that it is a fishmonger’s call to advertise his wares. The fish are so fresh that they are still jumping and flapping about. Another suggestion says it refers to the months of pregnancy following ‘quickening’, when the mother is able to feel the child she is carrying moving in her womb. The choice is yours!

In cold blood - ruthlessly, without excitement, not in a passion

A relic of early medical theory: becoming hot with excitement or exertion was supposed to be the result of blood getting hot. The same idea persists in make one’s blood boil (make angry). By the same token, something done with deliberation, without the heat of passion, was supposed to be a product of cold blood.

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Kit and kaboodle

In the Royal Navy, “kit” is equipment, including uniforms, that is provided by the service. I believe that “kaboodle” was a slang phrase for personal items kept by the sailor (necessarily small in size and quantity because of little or no storage space/privacy). If one was transferred out, one was required to take all “kit and kaboodle.”

Not enough room to swing a cat

This comes from the use of a kind of whip called a cat o’ nine tails.

Old Coot

The coot is an unloved and unlovely aquatic bird that shares habitat and migration patterns with ducks. Among duck hunters, the coot is considered a pest and a distraction. It is also a truly ugly and awkward bird, and virtually inedible to most people. So to call someone an “old coot” is to label them as a pest, unattractive, sort of an unwelcome hanger-on. Also, the coot is reluctant to fly, and when it does, it makes a great commotion in its attempt to get airborne, running across the water and flapping frantically. “Old coot” may also, therefore, suggest an old man who is slow to rise and reluctant to move.

Son of a gun

Although many people think of women in the Navy as a new idea, back in Nelson’s time, women were common on Naval ships. When a child was born onboard, it was indeed difficult to know who the father might be, not only because the woman concerned refused to say, but because she perhaps didn’t know. The children, being noisy, were stowed outside the sailors accommodations, and to keep them out of the way, often placed in hammocks above the cannons on the gun deck. Thus, a boy born onboard was said to be a son of a gun.

White elephant

In the late 1800s, P.T. Barnum, who then owned “the greatest show on earth,” heard of a sacred “white” elephant in India. He sent an agent to buy it sight unseen. When the animal arrived by ship in Bridgeport, CT, Barnum was horrified to see what the Indians considered to be a “white elephant” turned out to be covered with large pink splotches, and was not white at all. The paying public was not impressed and Barnum had to keep his “white elephant” hidden from public view in a stable. Thus the term “white elephant” came to mean something that was generally useless but too valuable (to the owner) to throw away. (By the way, the original “white elephant” later died when the stable caught fire.)

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Tying the knot

The priest performing the wedding would bind the bride and grooms hands with rope during the ceremony. They were not allowed to untie it until they had consummated the marriage. In modern day, you will often see the priest place a sash around their hands rather than rope, and it is from this that the saying comes. Although the practice is not as common as it was, depending on your denomination it is still done.

WC water closet

the modern toilet was invented by a man named John Crapper, hence the slang terms “crapper” and “john” for the device. Years ago, when indoor plumbing replaced the outhouse, a room needed to be created for the formerly nonexistent “crapper”. Most often an existing closet was converted to a “bathroom”, and thus become the “water closet”.

Spend a penny

It means to take a leak, but is this from an early version of the pay toilet?

When public pay toilets were originally introduced they cost one penny for women to use. Urinals were free for men. An example of early sexual discrimination

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By Michael Trapido

09-06-10

Read more here

http://www.newstime.co.za/SouthAfrica/Mail_&_Guardians_noble_quest_to_expose_World_Cup_tenderpreneurship_/6102/

The South Gauteng High Court Tuesday ruled in favour of an application by the Mail & Guardian which sought the release of the tender documents held by the Fifa Local Organising Committee relating to the World Cup and the Confederations Cup.

The LOC had opposed the application on the basis that it is a private body and should not have to comply with the requirements of transparency laid down in public procurement legislation.

The Judge, acting Judge Les Morison, dismissed this and ordered it to release all tender documents relating to the newspaper within 30 days.

I haven’t heard a word since! Has the problem been forgotten, swept under the carpet or deliberately ignored.

If there have been any further developments I would like to hear about them.

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Go to pot

Any farm animal that had outlived its usefulness such as a hen that no longer laid eggs would literally go to pot. It was cooked and eaten.

Honeymoon

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the “honey month” or what we know today as the “honeymoon”.

Pig in a poke and Don’t let the cat out of the bag

A poke is a sack or bag of rough cloth such as used for grain, potatoes, or whatever. If one sold a pig in a poke, that meant that the buyer was buying the pig in the poke with the assurance by the seller that there actually was a pig in the bag. Thus the meaning of buying sight unseen. “Letting the CAT out of the Bag” which was a reference to the person (not a rube) who was smart enough to look into the poke to make sure that there was indeed a pig in there, and would often find a stray cat.

Keep a stiff upper lip

Before the Napoleonic wars there was a bizarre fashion among officers to have tarred moustaches. Their moustaches would be smeared with hot pitch and then moulded into shape before it solidified. And so these brave officers would keep a stiff upper lip.

Screw

In Britain it is a prison term for a guard. Around a century ago it was common to give convicts pointless tasks like smashing rocks, digging holes and then filling them in or walking on treadmills. One ingenious device was a handle attached to a wheel with cups around the edge. As the handle was turned, the cups would scoop sand from the bottom and tip out back at the top. In many prisons each cell had one on the wall. The machine had a counter and each prisoner was given a set number of revolutions to complete per day. If a prison guard wanted to make life hard for a prisoner, he would use a key to turn a screw on the machine which increased the drag of the wheel. In time they became known as screws.

Keep your shirt on

Shirts in the earlier days were rather expensive, so when a bloke was thinking of fighting someone he would take of his shirt. So if you had a grievance with a person and he began to take off his shirt (in other words, I don’t want to fight with you.)

On tenterhooks

After it was woven wool was pounded in a mixture of clay and water to clean and thicken it. This was called fulling. Afterwards the wool was stretched on a frame called a tenter to dry. It was hung on tenterhooks. So if you were very tense, like stretched cloth, you were on tenterhooks.

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WHAT IF OTHER COMPANIES BESIDES DUREX MADE CONDOMS….

From GPSA.co.za

PANASONIC CONDOMS: Quest for zero defect.

NIKE CONDOMS: Just do it.

TOYOTA CONDOMS: Oh, What a feeling.

EVEREADY CONDOMS: Keep on going and going and going.

PRINGLES CONDOMS: Once you pop, you can’t stop.

NISSAN CONDOMS: Life’s a journey, enjoy the ride.

STANDARD BANK CONDOMS: With us you can go so much further.

YOKOHAMA CONDOMS: Serious rubber.

FIRST NATIONAL BANK CONDOMS: We’ll never be too big.

CGS CONDOMS: Because only balls should bounce

DOMESTOS CONDOMS: Kills all known sperms dead!

PANADO CONDOMS: The GP’s choice.

BENSON AND HEDGES CONDOMS: Share the feeling.

SEIKO KINETIC CONDOMS: Someday all condoms will be made this way.

CREMORA CONDOMS: If it’s not on top then it’s inside.

KELLOGS CONDOMS: Guess who got it all last night.

CONTINENTAL CONDOMS: German engineering where you need it most.

CASTLE LAGER CONDOMS: The condoms that stood the test of time.

VODACOM CONDOMS: Yebo Gogo.

OLD MUTUAL CONDOMS: It all begins with a plan.

CAL-C-VITA CONDOMS: The Protector.

MTN CONDOMS: The better connection.

SANTAM CONDOMS: Covering South Africa.

NBS CONDOMS: Yes, Yes, Yes.

SASOL CONDOMS: Reaching new frontiers

DURACELL CONDOMS: It can last you up to 6 times longer

ESKOM CONDOMS: We light up your life?

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Getting the short end of the stick

Candles were expensive to make, so often reeds were dipped in tallow and burned instead. When visitors came, it was the custom for guests to make their exit by the time the lights went out. Therefore, if your host didn’t want you to stay very long, he would give you a “short stick.”

Cut through the red tape

Solicitors kept their clients papers in a file folder tied with red ribbon to prevent the papers from falling out. Of course, when they wanted to get at the papers, they would have to cut through the red tape.

Hoist by your own petard

A petard was a type of Tudor bomb. It was a container of gunpowder with a fuse, which was placed against a wooden gate. Sometimes all things did not go to plan and the petard exploded prematurely blowing you into the air. You were hoist by your own petard.

Dead as a doornail

Nails were once hand-tooled and costly. When someone tore down an aging cabin or barn he would salvage the nails so he could re-use them in later construction. When building a door, however, carpenters often drove the nail through then bent it over on the other end so it couldn’t work its way out. When it came time to salvage, these bent “door nails” were considered useless or “dead.”

Get the sack

This comes from the days when workmen carried their tools in sacks. If your employer gave you the sack it was time to collect your tools and go.

Getting off scot free

A scot is a payment or a charge, also an assessment or tax. To get off “scot free” means you get off without paying anything; no assessment, fine or tax.

Half assed

The term “half-ass” evolved from “half-adz.” An adz is an axelike tool with a curved blade used for shaping wood. If you were wealthy and paid top-dollar for a new fireplace, the mantle would be shaped using an adz in the front as well as the back side, which isn’t visible. However, if you weren’t wealthy and wanted to save money, you could have only the front visible portion of the mantle shaped, this cheaper job being a “half-adz” job.

Getting your goat

This apparently refers to an old English (Welsh?) belief that keeping a goat in the barn would have a calming effect on the cows, hence producing more milk. When one wanted to antagonize/terrorize one’s enemy, you would abscond with their goat rendering their milk cows less- to non-productive.

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Copied from a friend’s post

http://patricktillett.blogspot.com/2010/06/coed-baby-showers.html

I thought it was funny enough to share. He has an entertaining blog with cool photos, pay him a visit.

Seriously people, I’ve got some questions (and answers)…

When did baby showers become coed?
My research seems to indicate that it’s been about five years since it became a rule.

My wife knows how I feel about these things. So why did she make me go to two of them in the last 11 months?
Okay, so what if they were for our own pregnant daughters?  I didn’t want to go, but I did. One of them was full of policemen. Even they couldn’t convince their wives not to make them go, and they were armed! I didn’t stand a chance.

Why did this happen?
You don’t like us to have free time.
You want us to know who is in charge.
No other reason than pure torture.

Does your husband/boyfriend tell you he doesn’t mind going with you?
He’s lying.

Who in the world changed the rules?
Some alpha females with massive control issues.

Why do wives and girlfriends “expect” their husbands and boyfriends to go with them
Because the penalty for not going is severe.
They usually cook better than us.

Was some type of international women’s meeting held on the subject?
No, this is the type of politically correct nonsense that starts in the United States.

Will these ”events” ever go back to women only?
No, the new rule is already established and recorded. It’s one of those things kept in the book of “unwritten rules.”

Why don’t men know about this book?
Women don’t want us to know all the rules. 
They like to keep us confused.

Do men in other countries have to go?
Not yet, but eventually it will spread like a virus and infect the entire planet. At least one country (I won’t name it here) is already ahead of the evil curve, and have showers for expectant fathers. Okay, if you insist.  It’s France of course!

Do women really “want” their husbands trying to guess the “circumference” of another ladies body?
Not a problem, if that lady’s body is swollen and bloated.

Do women really want their husbands playing ”pin the sperm on the egg?”
This game is never played at co-ed showers. Sounds too much like sex talk.

How about “guess the chocolate” smeared in the diaper?
I can’t even believe women play this one. If the husbands do play, at least one of them is going to taste it.

Finally, please god, why do they make us sit through the gift opening?
We don’t even know what the gift “we” brought is, so why do we care about all the others?

Why is there NEVER alcohol at these functions?
If there was drinking allowed, the men would gather amongst themselves and ignore all of the “activities.” That of course, is not going to be allowed…

Now you know how I feel about greeting card stores and coed baby showers. I promise you, there is more…

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It was only a couple of weeks ago that I was singing P Divvy’s praises relating to winning statistics and I also suggested that if Januarie was the next choice scrummy, then he should be given game time. Well, I am struggling to get my own foot out of my big mouth, while I rant and rave at the uninspiring Springbok rugby. P Divvy is slowly starting to p**s me off with his strange selections and if I had the money I would pay Januarie’s ticket to some club in Europe. There are scrummies lining up for the number one and two slots but Januarie has slid down the slippery slide past his sell by date. He has blown his last of way too many chances. Go play in England Ricky!

South Africa team: Zane Kirchner; Gio Aplon, Jaque Fourie, Wynand Olivier, Bryan Habana; Morne Steyn, Ruan Pienaar; Gurthro Steenkamp, John Smit (capt), BJ Botha, Danie Rossouw, Victor Matfield, Schalk Burger, Ryan Kankowski, Pierre Spies.

Replacements: Chiliboy Ralepelle, CJ van der Linde, Flip van der Merwe, Dewald Potgieter, Francois Hougaard, Butch James, Juan de Jongh.

Once again P Divvy plays a player out of position. Why Kankowski and not Potgieter and why is the under performing Spies still playing. Louw was one of the few players that put up his hand on Saturday, while Spies was nowhere to be seen and now Louw doesn’t even make the bench.

At least the bench is pretty strong and changes to fullback, eigthman, flyhalf and centre can be made, if the defense falls apart again. I only hope that changes will be made before the s**t hits the fan. (Which might be fairly early in the first half)

“Statistics show that Suncorp has the fastest playing surface in Super 14 and we have to be prepared for a faster game,” he said. If this is the reason for Kankowski’s selection on the side, in order to close down Burgess, Gitteau and Cooper it had better work, or else it is going to be a long afternoon at the office and we could see a cricket score posted by the Aussies, which would be enough to make me drink my bath water. I am already teetering on the edge of player 23 insanity from the AB whippings we received and couldn’t take a beating from the OZ. I’m a bad loser against the ABs but I cannot handle an Oz beating.

If another of our players gets binned in this test I am going to rather watch the currie cup and the other more junior leagues. They at least play entertaining rugby. If Bafana was in the morning I could at least watch that rather than see the Bokke take a beating from the Aussies. Any other pain would be more bearable than that.

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